PAST MASTERS (VOLUME ONE)

DON'T FUCK ME OFF

Click here to download/play Don't Fuck me Off as an mp3

WARNING: Don't Fuck me Off, perhaps unsurprisingly, features some bad swearing. Really, the worst kind. I'm not particularly proud of it, though I suspect the slightly younger - much more heavy metal - me, probably was. Please don't play the song if you're easily offended by really bad swearing - or, for that matter, chirpy thumbs-aloft indie-dance hits.

EASY TO FIND

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Easy To Find is recorded in mono. This is either because (a) I was trying to make some spurious point about the computerisation and de-humanisation of modern music, believing that filtering drum machines, digitally distorted guitars and the other toys of contemporary pop through a one-speaker Walkman would somehow make the end-product more 'real'. Or (b) I didn't really know what I was doing. Either way, I'm standing by 'Easy to Find' as a pretty well-meant sentiment. Think I was having a really nice time in Devon when it got written.

FESTIVAL OF WAGSTAFF

Click here to download/play Festival of Wagstaff as an mp3

I'd like to book a field, with a campsite and some weed, and put on a festival. To showcase all the shit ideas, the plans and bands I've had throughout the last twelve years. I hope all my friends can come from London, Devon, Birmingham - Oh Yeah! Doors will open at noon, with the first band onstage at two - bring your own drink and food.

With ringing in our ears, we've got non-musical careers.

Check out all the stalls, selling clothes I must have warn, but never suited me. They'd look better on the touts outside, who can get you in for the cost of half a pint. I hope the weather holds, 'cause we'll be sleeping in our clothes. Yeah. That same shirt again. You could buy some merchandise, but the t-shirts are too big and I guess that the rest isn't going to be so nice.

Scared of growing up? For those about to rock, oh please God make them stop.

In the dance arena I trust there'll be people busting ungainly manouvres that I used to bust. And on the circus stage every lover I've ever had will apologise for being such a slag. (sorry).

With ringing in our ears, we've got non-musical careers.

Tables will be set up and flags will be unfurled by every political affiliation I've ever appropriated in an attempt to impress girls. And in the backstage area there's celebrity look-a-likes, is that Jim Carrey there? Yes I guess it is. James Belushi playing with his kids, Daley Thompson tells it how it is. Oh there's Frank Black. And all the cocaine and oral sex can't hide the fact that I'm acting like a spastic and I don't know where it's at.

Scared of growing up? For those about to rock, oh please God make them stop.

(guitar maelstrom to fade)

FIND THE CLAW

Click here to download/play Find the Claw (Josh's Theme from Badges) as an mp3

Can't fault the ambition of this one. Find The Claw tells the story of Foxy Fox, the much-mythologised bass-player of The Woodland Creatures. While Fox got his nick-name as a result of his penchant for wearing a full-fur fox suit onstage, he was perhaps even better known for playing with a proper surgical claw on his fretting paw. When he lost the claw in a field (Honestly, I'm not making this up) his attempts to initiate a nationwide hunt for it through adverts in local newspapers were as hiilarious as they were unsuccessful.

Half-way through, FTC inexplicably segues into 'Josh's Theme From Badges'. 'Badges' was an exciting TV cop show some of us were working on. Josh was its oft-misguided, kung-fu fighting, pretty boy. This was his theme.

Only eighteen more of these to go.

FOX AND HOUND

Click here to download/play Fox and Hound as an mp3

Fox and Hound is the children's book that I keep not bothering to write. Glad I took the time to pen the theme song to their animated adventures, though. Pleased, too that it goes dead hardcore halfway through. Brilliant. Everybody loves Fox and Hound.

Since, you ask, I can't really remember much about what was supposed to happen in the book. I do remember that Fox and Hound really, really liked Christmas, but that's about it. Hmmmm maybe I'll have another go this weekend.

GIRLS ARE BETTER

Click here to download/play Girls are Better as an mp3

Someone's just reminded me that Walt bloody Disney already did 'the Fox and the Hound'. See here. Gutted. I'm guessing my Fox and Hound is just a bit too close to that for comfort eh? The plot was really coming on yesterday as well: Fox thought he could do magic and, even though he knew it was rubbish, loyal Hound stood by his pal. But when Fox's hare-brained 'big illusion' threatened to burn down the forest, Hound had to have a word. "There's no such thing as magic". Lesson learnt. Brilliant.

This song's called Girls are Better, and boy aren't they: they smell nicer, they're softer, and statistically they do much better than boys in their A Levels.

HERE COMES DARKNESS

Click here to download/play Here Comes Darkness as an mp3

Sorry to go on about it, but someone suggested to me yesterday that 'Fox and Hound' sounded like a children's book set in a pub. Now there's an idea: After their parents are kidnapped by the evil urm... parent-catcher, some kids are forced to run a pub... Might make a good musical. Probably featuring Here Comes Darkness.

IRONING AND STEALING

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Never been too good at either ironing or stealing, truth be told - laziness and guilt (respectively) always seem to trip me up. You know those Brit gangster films where sharply turned out East-end geezers run around robbing all the time? I'd be rubbish in one of those.

re: the line in this one that goes, "Do you remember Mudhoney? I do, and I still want to burn it clean." (1) I apologise for it being terrible and (2) I saw Mudhoney on Saturday and they were brilliant. They might look a bit more like supply teachers or genial council workers than they did in their plaid pomp, but they're still entirely capable of making an unholy racket. Grunge revival anyone?

IT'S NICE TO HAVE A HOUSE

Click here to download/play It's Nice to Have a House as an mp3

As I recall, when we first moved to Stoke Newington (in oooo 1974 or something) it was always raining and everyone was very, very high. It sounded almost exactly like 'It's Nice to Have a House'. Listening back to this now it might just be the greatest thing I've ever recorded. When does the modern-day hard-working Wolfpack ever get the time to lay down eight-part backwards backing tracks, I ask you? Never, that's when. Can't be arsed.

I suspect that if the dangerous masked messages are played the right way round, the listener will be urged to, "give me a hug," and "go to the garage and get us some KitKats".

LUCY'S DREAM

Click here to download/play Lucy's Dream as an mp3

Lucy dreamt about canoes and the singer out of Reef. I wonder if anyone still dreams about the singer out of Reef?

I've just looked on this website http://thereefweb.co.uk and while it can't clear up the whole dream thing, it does tell us that Reef's last gig was a headlining slot during Falmouth Regatta week. I'll bet that was a hell of a night. Do they have canoes in regattas?

NEW FRENCH GIRLFRIEND

Click here to download/play New French Girlfriend as an mp3

Quite exciting this one. You know, like if I did have a brilliant new French girlfriend. Ah, malheuresment...

NEWSAGENTS, STATIONS AND PUBS

Click here to download/play Newsagents, Stations and Pubs as an mp3

Where would Wolfpack of One be without newsagents, stations and pubs? Probably sat at home making sofa-shaking Playstation rave anthems like this one.

Listeners who liked newsagents, stations and pubs also liked:

offices
night clubs
caves

NINE IRON

Click here to download/play Nine Iron as an mp3

I was listening to this one the other day and got stung by a wasp. Didn't think that still happened - can't remember the last time it did - the 1980's probably (in fact I do remember, it was at Drayton Manor Park and zoo). Can only assume that the little sod mistook the odd buzz-y breaks of this tribute to mine and Helen D's old band for a load of his pals, and just bumbled on over. GRRRR.

ONLY HAD THE HEART

Click here to download/play Only Had the Heart as an mp3

For those of you who've just joined us half way down the page, let's take a look back at those last five Wolfpack tracks. It's Nice to Have a House was an old-guy lo-fi piece of folk wyrd-ness, Lucy's Dream was a trippy spoken word piece, New French Girlfriend and Newsagents, Stations and Pubs sounded like Rainbow and a rave-up respectively, and Nine Iron, well it's hard to make out what Nine Iron sounded like.

Which Wolfpack's going to turn up for Only Had the Heart? Why it's the dignified post-rock kraut-pop Wolfpack of course. Quite like this one you know - it used to be pretty popular in Spain...

PIGBOT

Click here to download/play Pigbot as an mp3

BOW DOWN BEFORE PIGBOT. See him rise proudly above the terrified villagers. Watch them flee and hear them scream! Cover your eyes as he crushes cars beneath his horiffic metal trotters. Fear his harrowing ear-shattering oink. PIGBOT IS YOUR MASTER NOW.

SOUL METAL

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Listening to this one (don't bother, it's terrible) it strikes me that I used to try and sing in an incredibly high voice and didn't have a guitar. Punk rock!

TERROR THROAT

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Can't even begin to imagine what happened between the last one and this one - probably painted my room black, started growing hair in places where there was previously no hair, and started looking at girls funny. Yikes.

STRAIGHT TO VIDEO

Click here to download/play Straight to Video as an mp3

... and when we woke up from Terror Throat everything had changed forever. All of a sudden Wolfpack of One was an uber-confessional (not very professional) sensitive singer songwriter. OUT went experimental slop-hop noodling and half-arsed, half-cut songs about foxes and pigbots and IN came trying to tell THE TRUTH and trying to stay IN TUNE. Weird. I blame that girl from New French Girlfriend seven-or-so songs back (who, incidentally, was actually Danish - see, the old Wolfpack even lied about that) for being so unutterably evil, that even a jolly old sod like me felt the need to SHARE. HIS. PAIN. It's pretty much been moaning-quite-loudly-about- girls, ever since round here. Cheers!

I hope I find your heart, you know you've got a place in mine. I don't know where to start, and you don't want to know what's going on inside my mind.

I'm only nervous because you're worth it, and I'm worthless half the time. I'm only jealous 'cause you notice, and I've seen all the films we've hired.

Life's no movie, but if it could be, it would go Straight to Video.

Hopeless heartache always hurts and it's rare you'll find me lost for words. She said, "why must you say everything like it was a joke, with all the punchlines stolen from some age old TV show?" I just pulled a face, that made me look like Chevy Chase.

Life's no movie, but if it could be, it would go Straight to Video.

WAGONFIRE

Click here to download/play Wagonfire as an mp3

This one's proof positive of the new sad-songs about girls played quite loudly regime. For all its failings, Wagonfire tries really hard - and, yes, it does have a penny-whistle solo half way through. I'd like to think that the lines, "Sitting in the middle of your latest crisis, all-day-drinking at Northern prices," and "try and stop the hurting: low-impact flirting" were both keepers, but I've been wrong about this sort of thing before.

THE WAGSTAFF LECTURE

click here to play/download The Wagstaff Lecture in mp3

The Marx brothers weren't funny were they?

WYCHBOLD LIGHTS

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From the North: M5 exit at J4. From the South/Oxford/London: M42 exit at J1From the M5 J4, follow the A38 Bromsgrove signs for 1½ miles past the Marlbrook Inn, over the M42 roundabout and past the Harvester. The Wychbold lights will rise out of nowhere in another 2 miles. Park your car up, lie on the bonnet, and with radio waves coarsing through you, watch the lights crackle, fizz and die - cracle, fizz and die - crackle, fizz and die. Hold hands, kiss gently and feel everso slightly closer to God.

Y.M.M.S.

click here to play/download Y.M.M.S. as an mp3

Have it!

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