WHAT WOULD DEF LEPPARD DO?

WOLFPACK OF ONE SINGLES CLUB: NINETEEN
Winningly your mate and mine, Winter Olympics bass player Nick Dutton got married to the equally excellent Miss Joanne Howell the other month. Just before he did so we were chatting about our very metal West Midlands upbringing. As Kidderminster kids we'd not consider taking any action (homework, golf lessons, talking to girls) until we'd discussed at length whether what we were doing was 'metal' or not. Nick says that if he still thought like that he'd never have managed to get married. I, sometimes, still find myself asking.

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We could feel it in the metal clubs, our days were numbered and we knew. We’d soon be thrown out like the ticket stubs we got signed by Motley Crue. We were dinosaurs who saw the comet coming, we knew that we’d soon be extinct. We realised that we’d look pretty f*cking funny to a future generation’s kids.

So we cut our hair, got proper jobs and we hang around in coffee shops, discussing Nevermind with the older guys, when all we really wanted to find out was.

Is this metal, is this true? Is this what Def Leppard would do?
Would they give up this easily, or would they pour some sugar on me?

The high street stores are selling metal vests to ironic Hoxton tools. The cast of Hollyoaks are dressed in Megadeth, when I somehow doubt, (don’t you?)

They ever drove around in market towns with the Maiden up and the windows down, in their parents car, with their air guitars turned up to twelve and strafing the crowd.

Is this metal, is this true? Is this what Def Leppard would do? Would they give up this easily? Or do Pour Some Sugar on me? Is this metal? Is this fake? When you’ve got decisions to make, do you sit back with a drink and work out what def Leppard would think?

I do. I still do.

And I want, and I need, and I love, Animal…

WAGNUM P.I.

WOLFPACK OF ONE SINGLES CLUB: EIGHTEEN
Currently at Wolfpack Towers we are ploughing through season two of Magnum on five Norwegian DVDs. Our man's name may have changed to Thomas Magnussum, but the size of his mosutache and hands remain reassuringly massive.

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Hi, I’m here to kick your ass, like a private eye with a big moustache, in a pair of shorts and a red ferarri: Wagnum P.I. here to party. Everybody report to the dancefloor, drinking Bacardi paid for by the council. Jumping about to Dr GreenThumb, it's Wolfpack of One.

All dressed up like an eighties cop, got the girls going mad like a posh French bag shop. Guys staying in on a Friday night, ‘cause they don’t want to miss all the rhymes I write or the tunes that I steal from the TV shows, dropping Mike Post in all the best discos. If you hear the theme from Cheers get your gun, it's Wolfpack of One.

Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name, well my name is Andrew and I’m new to the rap game. Do you think that you’ll remember me when my name comes up on the quiz machine? Who did Blood River as an MP3, one of 51 singles he released each week?
Was it a) Kenny Loggins, was it b) Big Fun or was it C) that’s me the Wolfpack of One.

Licensed out to Mattel toys who make Wolfpack figures for the girls and boys, when you pull my finger man I make the noise of a thousand MCs being fucking destroyed. I am the one with the eagle eyes, I’ll be worth something in ten years time, ‘cause I’ve got the beats and I’ve got the rhymes and I've got the rights to Wagnum P.I.

I've got all the accessories, the secret base with the big TV, the tiny four-pack, the plastic four track, the girls from work the enemies of the Wolfpack. Standing at the back of the shows you go to, I'm rock hard just like a sudoku. Get ready for the breakdown son. It's the Wolfpack of One.

FOUR BRAVE RAVERS

WOLFPACK OF ONE SINGLES CLUB: SEVENTEEN
You know how the Arctic Monkeys (that's still the worst school-band name this side of the Swamp Donkeys) only really do songs about going down the indie disco, because they're only little and it's all they really know about? Well I've had a go. This one was (very hastily) lobbed out after last week's debacle at The Bear (thanks to those of you that turned up, by the way) when this dude skipped up to DJ Jimmy the Mitch and asked, "darling, don't you have any old skool?" We do now. Let's 'ave it etc.

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All it's going to take is four brave ravers heading for the city lights. They'll never let us in in these jeans and trainers. Or maybe we'll be surprised. Because martin knows a guy on the door, who says he'll say he's seen us before, there's girls from University coming in a bus. Do you think if we buy them a drink they'll get off with us?

No? Isn't it obvious? isn't it weird? Whistle posse, your parents are here.

All it's going to take is four brave ravers, skirting around the dance floor. I know it's never easy to flirt with strangers, but that is what we came here for. What happened to the kid with the drugs? I think these things he sold us are duds. It's been a bad night and it's going to get worse because the last time I took two, I took two weeks off work.

Isn't it obvious? The music of time moves too fast for all of us. And Friday night lights just make you look old. Whistle posse it's time to go home.

It's been too long since I last went out dancing. But it's like falling off a horse. It hurts and it's embarrassing.

WOLFPACK IN BLACK

WOLFPACK OF ONE SINGLES CLUB: SIXTEEN
It's 2006. Time for a remix, and time for the Wolfpack to go sports-metal. Thinking about it, do they still have Limp Bizkit. I'll never forget the day I saw them in Finsbury Park with Jimmy Huntspill. Oh wait, I have...

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There’s only one ‘F’ in Wolfpack and that’s a fact, I am the best band in Britain, I’m a brilliant act. I’ve got a full pint of Fosters and I paid for that, you can’t take it back, I’m going to paint it black. Because I know Ben from An Emergency, and he says that he wants a word with me, the boys at the bar say they’ve never ever heard of me, I’m Wolfpack of One and I need a drink urgently.

When I say Wolf, you all say pack. Wolf etc.
All the ladies at the front and the fellas at the back.
When I say Wolf you all say pack…
Wolfpack of One gonna break your back.

Thinking of a master plan. I swapped an ipod for my band. It seemed like a good idea at the time when I came up from Devon for a drink and a rhyme. I was standing in the middle of Exeter, trying to find a rhyme that was sexier, ‘cause I’ve got a lot of love to give, trying to find a girl to touch elbows with. And now that I’ve found her you know I’ve been texting her, maybe I will invite her here next year. I’ll tell her about the things that I saw in the Bear, It’s the Wolfpack of One get your horns in the air.

When I say Wolf, you all say pack. Wolf etc.
All the ladies at the front and the fellas at the back.
When I say Wolf you all say pack…
Wolfpack of One I am back in black.

Bang your head, bang your head, bang your head. Bang, bang, bang.