ALL THE BANDS YOU LIKE ARE SHIT (HEAVY METAL ENDING)

WOLFPACK OF ONE SINGLES CLUB: FIFTEEN
Best. Song. Ever.

Hear 'All the Bands you Like' by clicking here

All the bands you like are shit. They never even play their hit. Four boring skinny indie kids, one more drink then I’m going home. The songs arte so derivative (they’re rubbish) the words don’t seem to mean a thing. I don’t want to hear the drummer sing or hang out with him after the show. You will never understand, I’m not that bothered about the bands, I’m only here ‘cause there’s free beer and ‘cause you’re beautiful.

I look over my shoulder and one day you’ll be there, like a heavy metal ending: in a cloud of smoke and flares. I’ve been patiently waiting for you to realise that a heavy metal ending’s more than, “thank you and good night.”

All the band you like are shite. I shan’t be buying merchandise. Would it completely kill these guys to try and write a tune? ‘Cause I was planning to kiss this girl I’m with at a high point in the set, now beneath her on the guest list is as close as I will get.

So I look over my shoulder and one day you’ll be there, like a heavy metal ending: in a blaze of lights and hair. We were joking by the cloakroom that I’m the solo to your song, but like a heavy metal ending it’s gone on too long.

If you and I were to die tonight and take our places in the sky, I would meet you at the left of the mixing desk (I’d be wearing white).

I look over my shoulder and one day you’ll be there, like a heavy metal ending: in a cloud of smoke and flares. I’ve been patiently waiting for you to realise that a heavy metal ending’s more than, “thank you and good night.”

Thank you and good night I’ve been the Wolfpack of One, and you’ve been a great audience. It’s brilliant to be back here in the UK. Peace.

(YOU ARE) THE PIRATE SHIP

WOLFPACK OF ONE SINGLES CLUB: FOURTEEN
If you are going to take acid and play sex pirates this weekend please remember that a) it is weird, b) it will end in tears and c) don't touch the floor - the sharks will get you...

Hear how cool 'Pirates' Arrrr (ha!) by clicking here

“You are the pirate ship, and this is the crow’s nest where I sit. This is the evil part; this is a sea of sharks.” Well, I was just twenty three and unaccustomed to stormy seas, the only pirates I’d ever seen were cheap Taiwanese DVDs, but when she held out her hand and it looked like a hook I was worried about the drugs she took. “You are the pirate ship, and you are the first mate I have picked to hold me and keep me warm, to navigate through this storm. So don’t be so vane that you change with the weather, I know you’re a boy who should know much better.”

One of these pills that I’ve got in my hand will make you talk like a pirate and walk like a plank. You’ll soon be wearing an eye patch and wondering why it took you so long to find out that you are the pirate ship.”

Because you are the pirate ship, full of treasure and cutlasses, I’m getting ready to come on board. Load the cannon and fetch my sword. Oh, come on and do all the things that you do to me. You are the captain and I am the mutiny.

I’ll bury your love like treasure, baby, come on and find it on my island. I’ve got a special map for pirates, come on and try it, you just might like it. Yeah! You are the pirate ship. Come and enjoy my trip. You are the pirate ship. Yeah!

TAKE THE DAY OFF WORK

WOLFPACK OF ONE SINGLES CLUB: THIRTEEN
We should you know, it would be great. All the best parties happen when you know full well that you should be doing something important and somewhere else. What are you up to next Tuesday? Anyway, I sort of envisaged this one as one of those epic every-bloke indie anthems that gets played over the goal-of-the-month montage on Football Focus. Turns out we might have to get someone who can properly play the drums in before we give it to Lawro and Maniche, though, eh?

Click here to 'Take the day off Work'

I'll get some other guy to stack these shelves, if you let your customers just serve themselves. I'll get my secretary to hold my calls, if you tell your twelve o'clock it's half-past four.

Let's take the day off work and find out what we're worth. Let's tell the girls from marketing that we don't owe them anything. This is just what we deserve.

I'll reconcile my till and shut the shop, if you let your headlines make themselves up. I'll call today a training session; get your kids to teach themselves a lesson.

Let's take the day off work and find out what we're worth. Let's go missing from this meeting and find out if our hearts are beating, we've so much left to learn.

Nobody will miss us for one day, your appraisal won't be amazing anyway. How dare they do these things to us? I'm turning my computer off.

BLOOD RIVER

WOLFPACK OF ONE SINGLES CLUB: TWELVE
Blood River was originally intended for my album of children's music (tentatively titled There's no Such Thing as Magic Fox and Hound - I must have bored you about it before) but, hell, time is money when you're doing 51 songs in 51 weeks. If at all possible, please try and listen to the song while skipping, crying or really bruising another kid's arm.

Get down with 'Blood River' by clicking here

See the little fire ants, making like a marching band, in their deadly regiments down Blood River. Forty angry porcupines, rolling steadily behind, the mud upon their ruddy spines is from Blood River. Four and twenty elephants, as heavy as the elements, each leaden foot a bomb that shook the banks of Blood River. A string of vile crocodiles, wind their way in single file, with lazy smiles and vice-like jaws, they're nasty little dinosaurs.

Blood River: river of blood. Blood River: runs, runs, runs...

Two ten-metre anacondas, rumble into town like thunder, don’t you let them drag you under, in Blood River. A manatee and baby calf, out to take an early bath, a jet-ski carves them both in half - down Blood River. An attic full of vampire bats, looking for a fleshy snack. Blood red is the brand new black on Blood River. Enormous swarms of killer bees, Rise out of bank-side cavities. They’ll do anything to please their queens down Blood River.

Blood River: river of blood. Blood River: runs, runs, runs.

There's two komodo dragons here with breath that's made of hate and fear, they'll kill with one satanic cheer on Blood River. And don't forget the lion king. He makes even the rhinos sing; nobody's going to fuck with him on Blood River.

Blood River: river of blood. Blood River: runs, runs, runs.